Monsters

     The following poem was written by my mother sometime after I was diagnosed with Leukemia (a blood cancer) at the age of four. It was a difficult time for all of us, for many reasons, but we made it through. Every day we thank God for all that he has blessed us with, because we have so much to be thankful for. We lost several friends we met along Cancer Road, and that has made us all the more grateful to have each other. We know people who have lost a child or loved one to the monster that is cancer, and my mother can partially guess at the pain they must have gone through, having experienced fear and uncertainty, which is expressed through this poem.

You told me you were afraid,

afraid of the dark,

afraid of the monsters under your bed,

so many monsters lurking in your head.

You asked me to check under the bed,

before you rested your little head,

and I did.

You said, "mommy please, check my closet."

I rolled my eyes and sighed,

but I did.

I told you there was no such thing as monsters,

that monsters were not real;

but I was mistaken.

Now, how do I tell you the monster is so much closer:

behind your eyes, behind your smile;

the monster lives inside you;

that it runs wild within your veins

and we cannot even see him?

I told you I would never let anything bad happen to you,

but I was mistaken;

right now I feel helpless.

You told me... at night, the dark makes you afraid.

I told you not to be afraid; I would be there to hold your hand.

Now,

of the night,

the dark,

I am afraid as well.

Summer Romance

*Note: This is a dream I had back in July of 2013, and has nothing to do with what has happened in real life.

When I looked into his eyes for the first time, I forgot the reason we were all here. What was this summer camp called? What was it for? It was something like a camp for teens, where everyone would pair up with one or more people. Each pair, or group, would spend the next few weeks creating a short film about whatever they like. The only criteria was that it had to relate to at least one person in the group. So, when I looked around the room to see who I might pair up with besides my sister, it was his eyes that caught mine. Jordan had already formed a group with other people, who she seemed to be happily chatting with. I felt like he was looking into my soul as he walked up to me and introduced himself as Anthony.

Within the next few days, we learned a lot about each other. I noticed how easy it was to talk to him and how much I enjoyed his company. It felt like I had known him for years, though in reality I only met him a few days before. Still, it was clear that I was beginning to form feelings for him. He made it obvious that this was also true for him.

During the rest of camp, I watched as our sudden friendship quickly turned into something more- a romance. I had never been one to like kissing; the mouth is linked to so many illnesses, and I absolutely hated when guys tried putting their tongues in my mouth. However, I liked feeling his lips press against mine, the warm, fuzzy feeling I got every time he was near me. Our short film became something bittersweet; a summer romance to be ended abruptly by a monster that had haunted me since childhood.

Anthony had a secret, one that I figured he would tell me when he was ready... We recorded our moments together. That video camera caught our happiest moments, and our saddest ones. It caught his beautiful laugh, with that perfect smile and the shining stars in his eyes. It also saw his tears, my tears, and our attempts to comfort each other; it witnessed our most intimate moments. The last thing we recorded together was when he told me the secret he had been keeping from me. It ended in tears, in frustration and in anger.

The monster that had tried taking me many years ago, had returned yet again. This time, however, it came for someone I cared about deeply. Anthony was dying of cancer. When he told me, we were sitting on a park bench, foreheads pressed together. We both cried. Through his tears, he held me close, and whispered to me the most beautiful words that I had ever heard, “I love you.” I agreed to let him take all of the video clips home and compile them into our short film. He was better than me with technology, anyway. The last day was coming up quickly, and in the last few days before we would hand over our DVDs, Anthony and I spent the most wonderful hours together. We shared tearful kisses, and talked.. we talked about everything, except the future.

On the day before the last day of camp, we turned in our DVDs, and everyone was excited. The woman in charge said she would make copies of them and mail each of us a copy of every film. The next day, however, she came to camp with tears in her eyes, and a DVD in her hand. It was our DVD. She explained that we were going to watch it before going on with the day. She didn’t say what it was, who it was by, or why she was showing that specific film. I was curious, because I hadn’t seen it after Anthony finished it. He was the only one who knew what to expect.

Instead of being a video about a silly summer fling, it turned out to be a tragedy about a short-lived romance that was ruined by cancer. He added extra clips of himself in there... A clip of us kissing was overlapped by his voice saying, “her sweet kisses made all my problems seem so distant...” He talked about his cancer, and how it made him feel weak. All the while it was showing the videos of us laughing, talking, and just.. being together. When the video ended, I was sobbing in his arms, and everyone else was either stunned into silence, or had tears streaming down their faces. No one had known he was sick... He worked so hard to make himself look normal and healthy. All this time, though, the monster had been eating him from the inside out, and now I was finally seeing it. I saw the dark circles that had formed under his eyes, and noticed how much weight he’d lost. His embrace made him seem so weak, so vulnerable.

In the following week, he quickly got worse. I had to visit him at his house, because he no longer had the strength to go outside. The last time I visited him, he could barely keep his eyes open. It was depressing to see all the strength he once had just.. disappear. I held him in my arms as he drifted in and out of sleep, and then.. he looked up at me, said, “I love you,” and went limp. I cried, and held him close to me, even though I knew he was gone.

Lead Roles

Most people who are into acting are familiar with the feeling of hope one gets when auditions for a play are coming up: those who haven’t gotten lead roles, especially. Since the fall of junior year, I had this hopeful feeling of excitement every time I auditioned for a play, thinking I might have the chance at a lead role; thinking I’d be able to handle a lead role. However, after multiple disappointments and instances of getting roles with little to no lines at all, that feeling began to fade away. This loss of hope was especially inspired when the latest musical came around and a sophomore got a lead. Sorry, what??? Yes, a sophomore got a lead role, while I, Danielle Walker, got a role without any lines.

Words cannot describe how disappointed, angry, and completely disheartened I was. After working my butt off for 3 years of doing every drama production and taking a couple Drama classes in school, a sophomore comes out of nowhere, with little experience, and takes the lead. The musical passed, and auditions for the drama production, First Impressions, were closing in on me. I entered the theater, trying to suppress any and all hope that tried to spark itself within me, trying to make sure I would not face yet another disappointment.

The same night, everyone who auditioned was sent an email with the cast list. I remember beginning to feel excited as I downloaded the file, while also hoping I wouldn't too dismayed with the part I’d receive. However, when I opened the attachment, there was my name: right at the top, next to the name of the lead role, Jane Austen. My heart soared, and I was in disbelief. How many times had I wished I could even come close to getting one of the most important characters? And now, I had gone from getting insignificant characters who could probably be cut out without making much of a difference to getting THE MOST important role in the play. I told myself I’d work extra hard; harder than any of the girls who had gotten leads before; harder than the ones who still struggled with lines during Tech Week (also known as Hell Week), only a few days before the show. I figured we had tons of time, so what could possibly prevent me from memorizing my lines well before the week of the show?

During the first couple weeks, I decided I had plenty of time. So, I only looked at my script while in rehearsal, and spent my free time doing homework and playing Minecraft. After that, I did not have as much free time. Teachers were piling on homework and I had family obligations, etc. So much for trying to memorize my lines a before the week prior to the show. I still felt like I could get it together, however, and make it work. I was excited, I really felt connected to my character, and I wanted to make this one of the best shows I’d ever done.

Then, of course, Hell Week approached. Not only did I not have all of my lines memorized, but one of my co-lead roles had less than ten of her lines memorized. Unfortunately, I’d be lying if I said I was exaggerating. Still, I tried my hardest to make the show the best it could be. I practiced improvisation, in case something went incredibly wrong during the show. I was nervous, and I finally began to realize that maybe getting a lead role wasn't as great as I originally thought. It was so much work, and it wasn't something I was used to. I felt like I wasn't good enough for the part, and I had nightmares about the show being completely awful…

The night of the first performance had come. I felt sick with excitement and nerves, and I had no idea whether I should be scared out of my wits, or happy to finally be letting others see this amazing thing that I helped bring together. When there were only minutes before the house lights were to be turned off, the stage lights turned on, and I would walk out, I began to feel a bit panicked. So many friends and family were out there (more than I realized, actually) and I did not want to disappoint them.

When the show was over, and the house lights went on, I saw all of the people who had come to support us. The total audience was not very large, but our group seemed to make up at least a quarter of the people who showed up. I was overwhelmed by so many emotions; when I went to say hello to all of the people who came just to see me and my sister, I got so many wonderful compliments- compliments so lovely that I could hardly believe them, thinking about all the mistakes that had been made throughout the performance. The entire experience was amazing, and I got to know myself a little bit better from it.

I now realize that getting small roles does not necessarily make you unimportant; the director can see things that maybe you don’t, and she clearly saw something in me that led her to believe I could do well as Jane Austen. While I thoroughly enjoyed the challenge and experience, I have come to the conclusion that I actually prefer smaller parts. Smaller parts are not at all unimportant, they all add something to the production, even if you don’t really see it. And you know what? Next time I audition for a play, I will be perfectly content with a small role. They’re just as fun to do, and less difficult to fit into my schedule. So, with that, I hope you enjoyed reading about my stressful, yet fantastic experience! Keep in mind that every experience gives you the opportunity to self-evaluate and learn more about yourself. You may be surprised by the things you discover!