Over You

Close to the beginning of first semester, I met this guy who I thought was so amazing. He seemed so sweet and honest and I quickly jumped into a relationship that ended so horribly I almost wish I could go back and undo all of it. Yet, this experience has taught me a lot, and I know that I have certainly grown from it, even if it wasn't the most pleasant way to learn something. Still, sometimes the only way to teach someone something is by letting them learn it the hard way. That's what I had to do. I certainly have my flaws and had my fair share of poor moments as a girlfriend, but this guy ultimately was the one who messed up our relationship, and he is the one who ran away from it. I was doing everything I could think of at the time to fix our relationship, and sure, maybe I was going about it in the wrong way at times, but it takes time and patience to make something work. I was making the effort to better our relationship, because I cared about him deeply and wanted to be with him, despite what he did to hurt me. Some people just don't think about relationships that way, though. They believe that if something goes wrong and it's not fixed immediately or in a short period of time, then that relationship isn't worth staying in. Those kinds of people are the ones who shouldn't be dating, because when you make a commitment to someone, especially if you're talking about marriage, then the bad/rough times are when you need to be especially dedicated. He wasn't, and that's fine. Now I know, and I just hope that he can work through is own issues and refrain from entering another relationship until he is ready to make the commitment that is required of him and until he can learn to be more selfless, instead of constantly expecting his significant other to be the one to accommodate and support him.

Anyway, a number of weeks after he dumped me, I wrote this poem. It really expresses the hurt I was going through and some of the anger I was feeling at the time. Thankfully, God has granted me peace. I do not feel any anger towards him anymore, and I recognize my own faults and my part in breaking down the relationship.

A few weeks ago the world seemed to be crashing down on me.

You left me and I felt like I lost everything, honestly.

I was this upset over a boy? Yes.

That’s just how some breakups go, I guess.

Time heals everything, though.

Believe it or not, it does, though it may be slow.

Hours feel like days,

Days feel like weeks.

Getting through it feels like being in an endless maze.

I thought I was so in love with you,

But now I’m getting over you, too.

It wasn’t love; it was war.

You may have won some battles

But I, alone, am the victor.

You did things a woman should never tolerate,

And I forgave you, giving you a clean slate.

But it wasn’t clean;

It was tainted.

You continued to do things that were mean

Until you shattered the image of love I had painted.

I’ll never get back all that I lost,

But you’re the one who will suffer the cost.

I loved you like no other girl ever will,

I gave you a kind of love for which some would kill.

You gave that up and threw it away.

That was your choice, so easy today,

But you’ll look back and regret it someday.

Each day that passes becomes easier than the last.

Soon, your memory will be something of the past.

When I think of you, I’ll be able to laugh;

We all make mistakes, and that’s not bad.

I am moving on,

And I will find someone new-

Someone who will love me more than you;

Someone who will cherish me and treat me with respect,

A relationship neither of us will ever think to neglect.

Monsters

     The following poem was written by my mother sometime after I was diagnosed with Leukemia (a blood cancer) at the age of four. It was a difficult time for all of us, for many reasons, but we made it through. Every day we thank God for all that he has blessed us with, because we have so much to be thankful for. We lost several friends we met along Cancer Road, and that has made us all the more grateful to have each other. We know people who have lost a child or loved one to the monster that is cancer, and my mother can partially guess at the pain they must have gone through, having experienced fear and uncertainty, which is expressed through this poem.

You told me you were afraid,

afraid of the dark,

afraid of the monsters under your bed,

so many monsters lurking in your head.

You asked me to check under the bed,

before you rested your little head,

and I did.

You said, "mommy please, check my closet."

I rolled my eyes and sighed,

but I did.

I told you there was no such thing as monsters,

that monsters were not real;

but I was mistaken.

Now, how do I tell you the monster is so much closer:

behind your eyes, behind your smile;

the monster lives inside you;

that it runs wild within your veins

and we cannot even see him?

I told you I would never let anything bad happen to you,

but I was mistaken;

right now I feel helpless.

You told me... at night, the dark makes you afraid.

I told you not to be afraid; I would be there to hold your hand.

Now,

of the night,

the dark,

I am afraid as well.

Summer Romance

*Note: This is a dream I had back in July of 2013, and has nothing to do with what has happened in real life.

When I looked into his eyes for the first time, I forgot the reason we were all here. What was this summer camp called? What was it for? It was something like a camp for teens, where everyone would pair up with one or more people. Each pair, or group, would spend the next few weeks creating a short film about whatever they like. The only criteria was that it had to relate to at least one person in the group. So, when I looked around the room to see who I might pair up with besides my sister, it was his eyes that caught mine. Jordan had already formed a group with other people, who she seemed to be happily chatting with. I felt like he was looking into my soul as he walked up to me and introduced himself as Anthony.

Within the next few days, we learned a lot about each other. I noticed how easy it was to talk to him and how much I enjoyed his company. It felt like I had known him for years, though in reality I only met him a few days before. Still, it was clear that I was beginning to form feelings for him. He made it obvious that this was also true for him.

During the rest of camp, I watched as our sudden friendship quickly turned into something more- a romance. I had never been one to like kissing; the mouth is linked to so many illnesses, and I absolutely hated when guys tried putting their tongues in my mouth. However, I liked feeling his lips press against mine, the warm, fuzzy feeling I got every time he was near me. Our short film became something bittersweet; a summer romance to be ended abruptly by a monster that had haunted me since childhood.

Anthony had a secret, one that I figured he would tell me when he was ready... We recorded our moments together. That video camera caught our happiest moments, and our saddest ones. It caught his beautiful laugh, with that perfect smile and the shining stars in his eyes. It also saw his tears, my tears, and our attempts to comfort each other; it witnessed our most intimate moments. The last thing we recorded together was when he told me the secret he had been keeping from me. It ended in tears, in frustration and in anger.

The monster that had tried taking me many years ago, had returned yet again. This time, however, it came for someone I cared about deeply. Anthony was dying of cancer. When he told me, we were sitting on a park bench, foreheads pressed together. We both cried. Through his tears, he held me close, and whispered to me the most beautiful words that I had ever heard, “I love you.” I agreed to let him take all of the video clips home and compile them into our short film. He was better than me with technology, anyway. The last day was coming up quickly, and in the last few days before we would hand over our DVDs, Anthony and I spent the most wonderful hours together. We shared tearful kisses, and talked.. we talked about everything, except the future.

On the day before the last day of camp, we turned in our DVDs, and everyone was excited. The woman in charge said she would make copies of them and mail each of us a copy of every film. The next day, however, she came to camp with tears in her eyes, and a DVD in her hand. It was our DVD. She explained that we were going to watch it before going on with the day. She didn’t say what it was, who it was by, or why she was showing that specific film. I was curious, because I hadn’t seen it after Anthony finished it. He was the only one who knew what to expect.

Instead of being a video about a silly summer fling, it turned out to be a tragedy about a short-lived romance that was ruined by cancer. He added extra clips of himself in there... A clip of us kissing was overlapped by his voice saying, “her sweet kisses made all my problems seem so distant...” He talked about his cancer, and how it made him feel weak. All the while it was showing the videos of us laughing, talking, and just.. being together. When the video ended, I was sobbing in his arms, and everyone else was either stunned into silence, or had tears streaming down their faces. No one had known he was sick... He worked so hard to make himself look normal and healthy. All this time, though, the monster had been eating him from the inside out, and now I was finally seeing it. I saw the dark circles that had formed under his eyes, and noticed how much weight he’d lost. His embrace made him seem so weak, so vulnerable.

In the following week, he quickly got worse. I had to visit him at his house, because he no longer had the strength to go outside. The last time I visited him, he could barely keep his eyes open. It was depressing to see all the strength he once had just.. disappear. I held him in my arms as he drifted in and out of sleep, and then.. he looked up at me, said, “I love you,” and went limp. I cried, and held him close to me, even though I knew he was gone.