Over You

Close to the beginning of first semester, I met this guy who I thought was so amazing. He seemed so sweet and honest and I quickly jumped into a relationship that ended so horribly I almost wish I could go back and undo all of it. Yet, this experience has taught me a lot, and I know that I have certainly grown from it, even if it wasn't the most pleasant way to learn something. Still, sometimes the only way to teach someone something is by letting them learn it the hard way. That's what I had to do. I certainly have my flaws and had my fair share of poor moments as a girlfriend, but this guy ultimately was the one who messed up our relationship, and he is the one who ran away from it. I was doing everything I could think of at the time to fix our relationship, and sure, maybe I was going about it in the wrong way at times, but it takes time and patience to make something work. I was making the effort to better our relationship, because I cared about him deeply and wanted to be with him, despite what he did to hurt me. Some people just don't think about relationships that way, though. They believe that if something goes wrong and it's not fixed immediately or in a short period of time, then that relationship isn't worth staying in. Those kinds of people are the ones who shouldn't be dating, because when you make a commitment to someone, especially if you're talking about marriage, then the bad/rough times are when you need to be especially dedicated. He wasn't, and that's fine. Now I know, and I just hope that he can work through is own issues and refrain from entering another relationship until he is ready to make the commitment that is required of him and until he can learn to be more selfless, instead of constantly expecting his significant other to be the one to accommodate and support him.

Anyway, a number of weeks after he dumped me, I wrote this poem. It really expresses the hurt I was going through and some of the anger I was feeling at the time. Thankfully, God has granted me peace. I do not feel any anger towards him anymore, and I recognize my own faults and my part in breaking down the relationship.

A few weeks ago the world seemed to be crashing down on me.

You left me and I felt like I lost everything, honestly.

I was this upset over a boy? Yes.

That’s just how some breakups go, I guess.

Time heals everything, though.

Believe it or not, it does, though it may be slow.

Hours feel like days,

Days feel like weeks.

Getting through it feels like being in an endless maze.

I thought I was so in love with you,

But now I’m getting over you, too.

It wasn’t love; it was war.

You may have won some battles

But I, alone, am the victor.

You did things a woman should never tolerate,

And I forgave you, giving you a clean slate.

But it wasn’t clean;

It was tainted.

You continued to do things that were mean

Until you shattered the image of love I had painted.

I’ll never get back all that I lost,

But you’re the one who will suffer the cost.

I loved you like no other girl ever will,

I gave you a kind of love for which some would kill.

You gave that up and threw it away.

That was your choice, so easy today,

But you’ll look back and regret it someday.

Each day that passes becomes easier than the last.

Soon, your memory will be something of the past.

When I think of you, I’ll be able to laugh;

We all make mistakes, and that’s not bad.

I am moving on,

And I will find someone new-

Someone who will love me more than you;

Someone who will cherish me and treat me with respect,

A relationship neither of us will ever think to neglect.

Monsters

     The following poem was written by my mother sometime after I was diagnosed with Leukemia (a blood cancer) at the age of four. It was a difficult time for all of us, for many reasons, but we made it through. Every day we thank God for all that he has blessed us with, because we have so much to be thankful for. We lost several friends we met along Cancer Road, and that has made us all the more grateful to have each other. We know people who have lost a child or loved one to the monster that is cancer, and my mother can partially guess at the pain they must have gone through, having experienced fear and uncertainty, which is expressed through this poem.

You told me you were afraid,

afraid of the dark,

afraid of the monsters under your bed,

so many monsters lurking in your head.

You asked me to check under the bed,

before you rested your little head,

and I did.

You said, "mommy please, check my closet."

I rolled my eyes and sighed,

but I did.

I told you there was no such thing as monsters,

that monsters were not real;

but I was mistaken.

Now, how do I tell you the monster is so much closer:

behind your eyes, behind your smile;

the monster lives inside you;

that it runs wild within your veins

and we cannot even see him?

I told you I would never let anything bad happen to you,

but I was mistaken;

right now I feel helpless.

You told me... at night, the dark makes you afraid.

I told you not to be afraid; I would be there to hold your hand.

Now,

of the night,

the dark,

I am afraid as well.

Summer Romance

*Note: This is a dream I had back in July of 2013, and has nothing to do with what has happened in real life.

When I looked into his eyes for the first time, I forgot the reason we were all here. What was this summer camp called? What was it for? It was something like a camp for teens, where everyone would pair up with one or more people. Each pair, or group, would spend the next few weeks creating a short film about whatever they like. The only criteria was that it had to relate to at least one person in the group. So, when I looked around the room to see who I might pair up with besides my sister, it was his eyes that caught mine. Jordan had already formed a group with other people, who she seemed to be happily chatting with. I felt like he was looking into my soul as he walked up to me and introduced himself as Anthony.

Within the next few days, we learned a lot about each other. I noticed how easy it was to talk to him and how much I enjoyed his company. It felt like I had known him for years, though in reality I only met him a few days before. Still, it was clear that I was beginning to form feelings for him. He made it obvious that this was also true for him.

During the rest of camp, I watched as our sudden friendship quickly turned into something more- a romance. I had never been one to like kissing; the mouth is linked to so many illnesses, and I absolutely hated when guys tried putting their tongues in my mouth. However, I liked feeling his lips press against mine, the warm, fuzzy feeling I got every time he was near me. Our short film became something bittersweet; a summer romance to be ended abruptly by a monster that had haunted me since childhood.

Anthony had a secret, one that I figured he would tell me when he was ready... We recorded our moments together. That video camera caught our happiest moments, and our saddest ones. It caught his beautiful laugh, with that perfect smile and the shining stars in his eyes. It also saw his tears, my tears, and our attempts to comfort each other; it witnessed our most intimate moments. The last thing we recorded together was when he told me the secret he had been keeping from me. It ended in tears, in frustration and in anger.

The monster that had tried taking me many years ago, had returned yet again. This time, however, it came for someone I cared about deeply. Anthony was dying of cancer. When he told me, we were sitting on a park bench, foreheads pressed together. We both cried. Through his tears, he held me close, and whispered to me the most beautiful words that I had ever heard, “I love you.” I agreed to let him take all of the video clips home and compile them into our short film. He was better than me with technology, anyway. The last day was coming up quickly, and in the last few days before we would hand over our DVDs, Anthony and I spent the most wonderful hours together. We shared tearful kisses, and talked.. we talked about everything, except the future.

On the day before the last day of camp, we turned in our DVDs, and everyone was excited. The woman in charge said she would make copies of them and mail each of us a copy of every film. The next day, however, she came to camp with tears in her eyes, and a DVD in her hand. It was our DVD. She explained that we were going to watch it before going on with the day. She didn’t say what it was, who it was by, or why she was showing that specific film. I was curious, because I hadn’t seen it after Anthony finished it. He was the only one who knew what to expect.

Instead of being a video about a silly summer fling, it turned out to be a tragedy about a short-lived romance that was ruined by cancer. He added extra clips of himself in there... A clip of us kissing was overlapped by his voice saying, “her sweet kisses made all my problems seem so distant...” He talked about his cancer, and how it made him feel weak. All the while it was showing the videos of us laughing, talking, and just.. being together. When the video ended, I was sobbing in his arms, and everyone else was either stunned into silence, or had tears streaming down their faces. No one had known he was sick... He worked so hard to make himself look normal and healthy. All this time, though, the monster had been eating him from the inside out, and now I was finally seeing it. I saw the dark circles that had formed under his eyes, and noticed how much weight he’d lost. His embrace made him seem so weak, so vulnerable.

In the following week, he quickly got worse. I had to visit him at his house, because he no longer had the strength to go outside. The last time I visited him, he could barely keep his eyes open. It was depressing to see all the strength he once had just.. disappear. I held him in my arms as he drifted in and out of sleep, and then.. he looked up at me, said, “I love you,” and went limp. I cried, and held him close to me, even though I knew he was gone.

Lead Roles

Most people who are into acting are familiar with the feeling of hope one gets when auditions for a play are coming up: those who haven’t gotten lead roles, especially. Since the fall of junior year, I had this hopeful feeling of excitement every time I auditioned for a play, thinking I might have the chance at a lead role; thinking I’d be able to handle a lead role. However, after multiple disappointments and instances of getting roles with little to no lines at all, that feeling began to fade away. This loss of hope was especially inspired when the latest musical came around and a sophomore got a lead. Sorry, what??? Yes, a sophomore got a lead role, while I, Danielle Walker, got a role without any lines.

Words cannot describe how disappointed, angry, and completely disheartened I was. After working my butt off for 3 years of doing every drama production and taking a couple Drama classes in school, a sophomore comes out of nowhere, with little experience, and takes the lead. The musical passed, and auditions for the drama production, First Impressions, were closing in on me. I entered the theater, trying to suppress any and all hope that tried to spark itself within me, trying to make sure I would not face yet another disappointment.

The same night, everyone who auditioned was sent an email with the cast list. I remember beginning to feel excited as I downloaded the file, while also hoping I wouldn't too dismayed with the part I’d receive. However, when I opened the attachment, there was my name: right at the top, next to the name of the lead role, Jane Austen. My heart soared, and I was in disbelief. How many times had I wished I could even come close to getting one of the most important characters? And now, I had gone from getting insignificant characters who could probably be cut out without making much of a difference to getting THE MOST important role in the play. I told myself I’d work extra hard; harder than any of the girls who had gotten leads before; harder than the ones who still struggled with lines during Tech Week (also known as Hell Week), only a few days before the show. I figured we had tons of time, so what could possibly prevent me from memorizing my lines well before the week of the show?

During the first couple weeks, I decided I had plenty of time. So, I only looked at my script while in rehearsal, and spent my free time doing homework and playing Minecraft. After that, I did not have as much free time. Teachers were piling on homework and I had family obligations, etc. So much for trying to memorize my lines a before the week prior to the show. I still felt like I could get it together, however, and make it work. I was excited, I really felt connected to my character, and I wanted to make this one of the best shows I’d ever done.

Then, of course, Hell Week approached. Not only did I not have all of my lines memorized, but one of my co-lead roles had less than ten of her lines memorized. Unfortunately, I’d be lying if I said I was exaggerating. Still, I tried my hardest to make the show the best it could be. I practiced improvisation, in case something went incredibly wrong during the show. I was nervous, and I finally began to realize that maybe getting a lead role wasn't as great as I originally thought. It was so much work, and it wasn't something I was used to. I felt like I wasn't good enough for the part, and I had nightmares about the show being completely awful…

The night of the first performance had come. I felt sick with excitement and nerves, and I had no idea whether I should be scared out of my wits, or happy to finally be letting others see this amazing thing that I helped bring together. When there were only minutes before the house lights were to be turned off, the stage lights turned on, and I would walk out, I began to feel a bit panicked. So many friends and family were out there (more than I realized, actually) and I did not want to disappoint them.

When the show was over, and the house lights went on, I saw all of the people who had come to support us. The total audience was not very large, but our group seemed to make up at least a quarter of the people who showed up. I was overwhelmed by so many emotions; when I went to say hello to all of the people who came just to see me and my sister, I got so many wonderful compliments- compliments so lovely that I could hardly believe them, thinking about all the mistakes that had been made throughout the performance. The entire experience was amazing, and I got to know myself a little bit better from it.

I now realize that getting small roles does not necessarily make you unimportant; the director can see things that maybe you don’t, and she clearly saw something in me that led her to believe I could do well as Jane Austen. While I thoroughly enjoyed the challenge and experience, I have come to the conclusion that I actually prefer smaller parts. Smaller parts are not at all unimportant, they all add something to the production, even if you don’t really see it. And you know what? Next time I audition for a play, I will be perfectly content with a small role. They’re just as fun to do, and less difficult to fit into my schedule. So, with that, I hope you enjoyed reading about my stressful, yet fantastic experience! Keep in mind that every experience gives you the opportunity to self-evaluate and learn more about yourself. You may be surprised by the things you discover!

Society of Death

     One thing that's been bothering me lately is how freely people joke about death. Actually, to be more specific, it's when people joke about dying from cancer or some other serious disease... but mostly cancer. I don't understand how death can be such a hilarious topic nowadays, and I most definitely don't understand how the word "cancer" can be thrown around so loosely. What happened to the fear of cancer and death? Is this just some sick way of trying to dispel people's fear? A few months ago, I was talking to a group of friends, and they were telling a story about what happened the previous day. One had been acting over-dramatic and said, "I'm dying of diarrhea and cancer!" And the other friend had just laughed at her. I don't remember the details. Still, simply recounting this short story made the others laugh, and I couldn't see what was so funny about it. It wasn't comical to me at all. People die of cancer every day, and my life has been largely affected by cancer. It's not a funny subject to me: it's serious and sad. Also, not even diarrhea should be joked about. In less developed countries, impoverished people are still dying of it daily because they don't have access to the medical help they need.
     Then, just the other day, my sister was telling a friend that it's a bad idea to be drinking energy drinks because of some harmful chemicals/ingredients put into them... We didn't mention cancer at all, but the friend said, "yeah, yeah. Everything causes cancer these days. It doesn't matter." That really shocked me. First off, since when does getting cancer not matter??? Second off, not EVERYTHING causes cancer. Furthermore, if someone actually took the time to think about what they really need in terms of food and beverages to stay healthy, they would see that many of those things can be bought without harmful ingredients added to them. It's really disappointing that a such a young girl can say these things without caring about how long she lives or what her own health is.
     I can't imagine myself ever not caring about my life or health. I had cancer when I was little, and I had to watch two friends die. Their names were Daniel and Jared. We (my sister and I) spent a lot of time with Jared, and it was depressing to see him slowly fading from this world. He had Leukemia, same as me, except it came back seven times for him. The last time we saw him was in the hospital. We visited his room because he was in bad shape. His mom gave us magazines to look at while she and our mom talked. We didn't get to talk to or play with Jared because he was asleep. When we walked up to his bedside to see him, he was sleeping without a shirt on, and we could see how skinny he was: how sick he looked. His ribs were very prominent and his eyes looked sunken. That was the last time we saw him; he died at 7 years old. That image sticks with me to this day, and I am incredibly insulted when people don't seriously consider how deadly cancer is, and how sad death is.
     Cancer has not only affected my childhood: just last year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She got surgery, got time to heal, went through eight weeks of radiation, and is now (thankfully) in remission. Cancer is a constant tragedy/occurrence in my life, and I have close family friends who have also been affected by cancer. The fact that people can underestimate and make jokes about such a horrible thing is appalling. It makes me wonder: how did society become so careless about the health and well-being of people? I wonder, but then I look at social media, TV, and I've glimpsed the magazines my classmates look at. Bad influences are all around us, and we absorb it, barely taking notice of how we are being shaped by all of these things.
     Our society is a Society of Death. There are advertisements everywhere for unhealthy foods that have harmful chemicals meant only for pushing back expiration dates. Why do we allow companies to put these in the foods people eat everyday? In the United States, we have less than 20 deadly chemicals banned; in the UK, they have over 200. This is a drastic difference. Sure, the British smoke more, but they are more healthy than us Americans. They walk more, they have healthier food, etc. Violence and death are under-exaggerated and idolized in our country. The term "YOLO" has been quite popular for over a year now. This ridiculous acronym is used as a reason for people (esp. teens and young adults) to be involved in life-threatening, and sometimes illegal, activities. It's sad that we see ourselves as getting better and better by the decades, when standards of life are becoming so horrible.
     Please, take care of your health. Life is priceless, and should not be taken for granted. So many people suffer because they don't have options, while people in our country suffer because of their own ignorant decisions. You have the option, the means, to take care of yourself. For the sake of others, do it.

Dreams End

I had a dream

In which love existed

I had a dream

Of a boy so tall

A boy too caring to let me fall

I had a dream

He wouldn’t let me go

And told me that he loved me so

I had a dream

That he said there would always be

A place in his heart for only me

I had a dream

And it came true

But now it’s ended in absolute rue

I wrote this poem a couple years ago, and I'm not sure what my inspiration was... But here it is. Enjoy!(:

Rediscovering Our Beauty

St. John Chrystostom Oratorical Festival 2013
Topic 5. “Your hands have made me and fashioned me; Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments” (Psalm 118/119, verse 73).

            Beauty: What is it? It is a word that is commonly used, but hardly ever defined. There are two dictionary definitions for the word. The first definition is, “A combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, which pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.” In today’s society, this is the definition that has determined what people consider to be “beautiful.” Common “beauty” standards we hear about today that determine whether a woman is beautiful or not are: full lips, a symmetrical face, big boobs, a small waist, a big butt, and skinny legs. Not only that, but the woman is expected to shave her legs, armpits, or whatever other area that might have “excess” or “gross” hair. On top of that, a “beautiful” woman is expected to have straight, white teeth and flawless skin. Basically, women need to be less human. Our nation’s vision of “beauty” has been distorted over the years.

            One could go on forever about physical appearances and the unattainable standards people try to live by today, but that is not the sole purpose of this topic. The second definition of beauty is, “a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral sense.” God is this exact definition. Since we were created in God’s image and likeness, we are also naturally like this. This cannot be disputed by Christians because in Genesis, God made man and “[He] saw all that he had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:31). Many people who strive for “beauty” are headed in a direction that strays away from this definition. Most try to become perfect and beautiful by obtaining money, getting plastic surgery, and by acting like people they are not. They do these things to be accepted into society: a society which either embraces the “unusual” or casts them out. With the possibility of being an outcast hanging in the air, people most often take the road that makes them just like everyone else.

            While the pursuit of happiness is every person’s natural right, it is important to think about what will bring a person “true” happiness. And although material things may bring temporary happiness, there are more lasting means of attaining it. Surely being perfect would bring someone happiness –and it is certainly something we should strive for- but everyone knows that perfection is unattainable for humans. Christians know that Jesus is the only perfect human being ever to have walked the earth, and it is Jesus that we should all endeavor to be like. This is especially important because Jesus is God, and “God Became Man so that Man might become God” (Saint Athanasius). Still, there remains the question: what is perfection? We know Jesus never sinned, that he loved unconditionally, and that there were no exceptions or conditions to his love.

            So how can we strive to be like Jesus? First things first: believing everything we see in the media is not the answer; materialistic things will not bring true happiness; beauty does not come from following the crowd, and especially not from breast implants or other exterior changes. When looking at Psalms 118 and 119, it is easy to notice that the speakers are praising God, thanking him for his mercy and his unconditional love, and one even says, “though belittled and despised, I do not forget your precepts” (Psalm 118/119, verse 141). Even if we are criticized by our peers, as Jesus was, we must be strong in our faith. Second, we must try to love as Jesus did. In the Bible, John writes, “A new commandment I give to you: that you love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another” (John 13:34).

            Although we cannot be perfect like Jesus was, we can get closer to perfection if we continuously try to improve ourselves. Jesus loved everyone, even the people who were ostracized by society. If we make the effort to show compassion for everyone put in front of us, we can become closer to God. Loving everyone in front of us is very important because we are all creations of God. Therefore, what we do to others is, ultimately, what we have done to God. In the story of The Judgment of the Nations, the king says, “'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40). It is extremely difficult to do this, but we bring ourselves closer to God just by making the effort. In order to love others, though, we must first love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we must cease seeking to look more “beautiful” and we must stop acting like something else just to please others. When we love ourselves for who we are, we can love others for who they are, as well. And eventually, we can find people who will love us for who we are, too.

            God’s love has no conditions or exceptions, and neither should our love. “Give thanks to the Lord, who is good, whose love endures forever” (Psalm 118, verse 1). When someone commits a sin, God still loves him/her. S/he has the chance to redeem him/herself. We should also try to forgive people who do wrong against us and love them. “If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14-15). Pray for those who do wrong and do not condemn them for their wrongdoings, because they need God’s help. We are all made in the image of God, and therefore are originally like Him [and still have the chance to be like him]. When someone does something sinful, do not hate the sinner, but continue to love him/her. Jesus said that a person is not as bad as their own worst deed. This is true because that person can repent, and if they are sincere, they can be accepted into Heaven. Therefore, do not hold grudges against people who hurt you, because you only distance yourself from God. When Jesus was on the cross, he said these words which are now well known, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

            Forgiveness is very important in getting closer to God. However, this can be hard: especially when it is yourself you must forgive. It is important to understand that we are all learning and will not always make the right choices. Praying and asking God for guidance can help us in understanding, forgiving, and overall spiritual peace. It is imperative that we remind ourselves that we are not perfect, while simultaneously keeping in mind that God still loves us despite our imperfections and will accept us. When we have a huge burden on our shoulders, it is not shameful to seek help. Asking for God’s forgiveness does not have to be done alone; there are priests for a reason, which we can go to for Confession and for reminders of how to keep faith and how to get closer to God without just going to Church. All of these things can help you accept yourself, accept others, and love unconditionally. When you strive for this, you will be beautiful and –close to- perfect in God’s eyes.